Excerpted from Chapter 2 of Raising Resilient Children: A Curriculum to Foster Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Children, by Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., & Robert Brooks, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2002 by Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

The primary objective of this parenting program is to assist parents in raising resilient children in a consistent and predictable manner. Accomplishing this objective requires that parents understand the components of resilience so that their interactions with their children are guided by a blueprint of important principles, ideas, and actions. It is essential to convey to parents that this blueprint represents an ongoing process filled with challenges, frustration, and certainly successes. Children do not arrive with an owner’s manual or a roadmap. Although no single direct course can be plotted to prepare children for what lies ahead, parents can find comfort in the knowledge that they can learn and utilize certain guideposts to help them traverse and appreciate each child’s unique road. This road is shaped by a variety of factors, including the child’s inborn temperament, family style, values, educational experiences, and the broader society or culture in which children are raised. Nevertheless, these guideposts provide principles and ideas that are applicable for all families and thus can direct all parents in raising resilient children.

We briefly review each of these guideposts and the principles and actions they exemplify.

Guidepost 1: Being Empathic

A basic foundation of any relationship is empathy. Empathy is the capacity of parents to put themselves in their children’s shoes and see the world through their eyes. Empathy does not imply that parents agree with everything the child does but rather that parents attempt to appreciate and validate the child’s point of view.

Many parents believe they are empathic, yet it is easier to be empathic when children do what they are asked to do, are successful in their activities, and are warm and responsive. Parents have much more difficulty being empathic when they are upset, angry, annoyed, or disappointed with their children. When these feelings dominate, even well-meaning parents say or do things that actually work against a child’s developing resilience. Parents can increase their ability to be empathic. Most parents are capable of moving beyond their frustration or annoyance, and they can develop certain skills and strategies that model and demonstrate empathy toward their children.

Guidepost 2: Changing Negative Scripts

The most well-meaning parents have been known to apply the same approach with their children for weeks, months, or sometimes years, even when the approach has proven unsuccessful. Parents often continue to engage in unproductive behaviors because they believe their children should change, not them; however, most parents can attest that children outlast them in a standoff. Parents who possess a resilient mindset recognize that if something they have said or done for a reasonable amount of time does not work, then they must change their script if their children are to change theirs. Parents must develop the insight and courage to think about how they can adapt, lest they become embroiled in useless power struggles. Changing a script does not imply that parents are giving in or spoiling children. Rather changing scripts teaches children that there are alternative ways of solving problems. When parents examine the obstacles to changing negative scripts and learn the strategies to do so, children learn to be more responsible and accountable in handling difficult situations.

Guidepost 3: Disciplining in Ways that Promote Self-Discipline and Self-Worth

The questions most frequently asked during parenting programs are about discipline. To raise resilient children, parents must understand that one of their most important roles is to be a disciplinarian. The word discipline stems from the word disciple — disciplining is a teaching process. The ways in which parents discipline children either reinforce or weaken self-esteem, self-control, and resilience. In this program, parents learn to appreciate that the goals of discipline include creating safe and secure environments and nurturing self-control and, ultimately, self-discipline in their children. A goal of this process is to assist children in taking increasing ownership and responsibility for their behavior. It is difficult to imagine a child with high self-esteem who does not also possess self-discipline.

Guidepost 4: Teaching Children to Solve Problems and Make Decisions

Resilient children believe that they are the masters of their own fate. They learn to recognize what they have control of in their lives and that their actions affect what happens to them. This feeling of control appears to be a basic human need. When parents teach children how to make decisions and solve problems, they provide a vital ingredient in developing this sense of control. Resilient children can define problems, consider different solutions, attempt what they judge to be the most appropriate solution, and learn from the outcome. To facilitate this process, parents must engage children to think about possible solutions. When children develop their own plans of actions with the guidance of parents, their sense of ownership and control is reinforced, as is their resilience.

Guidepost 5: Loving Children in Ways that Help Them to Feel Special and Appreciated

To develop resilience, a child must know at least one adult who believes in the child’s worth. The late Dr. Julius Segal referred to this person as a “charismatic adult,” from whom a child “gathers strength” (1988, p. 2). In this program, we emphasize the power of parents to redirect a child toward a more productive, successful, satisfying life. We focus on how parents can help their children feel special and appreciated by offering unconditional love. This does not mean an absence of discipline or accountability; it means that even when children transgress, parents still love and accept them.

Guidepost 6: Helping Children Recognize that Mistakes Are Experiences from Which to Learn

Resilient children view mistakes as opportunities for learning. In contrast, children who are not very hopeful often experience mistakes as indications of failure. Because of this pessimistic view, such children are likely to retreat from challenges, feel inadequate, and blame others for their problems. If parents want to raise resilient children, they must help their children develop a healthy perspective on mistakes from an early age. When frustrated, however, many parents respond to mistakes in ways that actually lessen a child’s confidence. Parents’ words and actions must communicate a belief that everyone can learn from mistakes. The fear of making mistakes is one of the most potent obstacles to learning, one that is incompatible with a resilient mindset.

Guidepost 7: Helping Children Experience Success by Identifying and Reinforcing Their Islands of Competence

Resilient children do not deny their problems. They recognize and focus on their strengths. Unfortunately, many children who have negative feelings about themselves and their abilities experience a diminished sense of hope. This often leads them to minimize or fail to appreciate their strengths. Parents must realize that when children possess low self-worth, they are less apt to accept positive feedback. We should continue to offer this feedback, but most importantly, we must recognize that true self-worth, hope, and resilience are based on experiencing success. Such success must be deemed important by the child and others. This requires parents to identify and reinforce the islands of competence that every child possesses. Parents must promote these strengths rather than emphasizing a child’s weaknesses. When children discover their strengths, they are more willing to confront difficulties in their lives.

Each child comes into this world with his or her own unique temperament. Children’s lives away from home and the influence of out-of-home experiences continue to develop as children grow. Yet parents can strongly influence whether their children develop the characteristics and mindset associated with resilience or whether their children will be burdened by low self-worth, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of hope. Developing a resilient mindset is an essential component for a successful future, not a luxury. Raising resilient children must become a cornerstone of parenting.