Copyright © 2002 by Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Maureen is a mother in her late twenties. She lives with her son, Victor, and her partner, Howard. Howard works to support the family; however, he is minimally involved with the rearing of Victor, Maureen’s child from a previous marriage. Maureen revealed her history of physical and emotional abuse and her conflict-ridden relationships early during her relationship with Celeste, an infant-toddler specialist who was Victor’s parent guide for 2 1/2 years. Maureen was referred to this home visiting program by her pediatrician because she shared with him her frustrations about how difficult her baby was.

The key to successful support and guidance of parents lies in the quality of the relationships that guides form with parents. Parents nurture the emotional development of their babies and toddlers by being warm, sensitive, and responsive to them. Parent guides, in turn, nurture parents’ ability to do so by being caring, sensitive, and responsive to the parents. All parents benefit from working with parent guides and other professionals who are supportive and caring. After all, who would not prefer to work with a professional who treats people with respect, is attentive to their needs, appreciates their positive attributes, and helps them gain additional skills? Parents who did not have positive emotional experiences during their own childhoods are especially in need of guides who relate with them in warm and caring ways. Due to their childhood experiences, these parents may have developed insecure attachments with their parents and unhealthy views (internal working models) of themselves, others, and relationships. Parents who experienced troubled childhoods often have more difficulty being warm, sensitive, and responsive in interactions with their children. Therefore, they have a particular need for relationships that are warm and caring, attentive and responsive, and consistent and trustworthy. Over time, these corrective attachment experiences can often help parents modify their internal working models so they have more positive feelings and views of themselves, others, and relationships (Lieberman & Pawl, p. 430). This, in turn, can help them to be more sensitive, responsive, and affectionate with their babies and toddlers.

Cultivating caring relationships is sometimes a challenging task for parent guides. Some parents, due to their histories and current circumstances, may appear hostile, passive, or unmotivated. Their behaviors may provoke feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, or sadness in the professionals working with them. For example, Katherine, the parent guide of a mother, Samantha, found herself feeling as if no matter how much she did, Samantha would ask for more, often in a demanding, critical way. As a result of her troubled childhood, Samantha was very needy and at the same time very aggressive in her interactions with helping professionals. When this happens, parent guides must attend to and learn from, but not succumb to, their emotional reactions to parents. Katherine sought help from her supervisor in dealing with such feelings in order to be responsive and to establish healthy boundaries with Samantha. Even parents whose childhoods were more benign than Samantha’s may be challenged by current life events or feel unsure of themselves as they embark on the parenting journey, especially with their first children. They, too, can appreciate and benefit from positive, caring relationships with their parent guides.

Parallel Process

People learn how to be with others by experiencing how others are with them. This is how one’s views and feelings (internal models) of relationships are formed and how they may be modified. Therefore, how parents are with their babies (warm, sensitive, responsive, consistent, available) is as important as what they do (feed, change, soothe, protect, teach), and how parent guides are with parents (respectful, attentive, consistent, available) is as important as what they do (inform, support, guide, refer, counsel). The choice of how to be with parents is determined by how guides want parents to be with their babies and toddlers. Jeree H. Pawl, Director of the Infant-Parent Program at San Francisco General Hospital, referred to this parallel process as the platinum rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto others" (1994-1995, p. 23). Guides teach parents how to be with their young children by how they are with them rather than by simply modeling parenting behavior with the child. Although there are times when it is appropriate to demonstrate some technique (e.g., how to position a child with cerebral palsy), in general, modeling is to be avoided especially with insecure parents. It can appear to them that the guide is the "better" parent and leave them feeling discouraged and inadequate.

In all of her interactions with Maureen, Celeste tried to follow the platinum rule and practice parallel process by being with Maureen the way she hoped Maureen would be with Victor. She was sensitive and responsive to Maureen’s indications of need, such as when Maureen described Victor as "a devil child" and complained that he was fussy and demanding. Maureen’s feelings of inadequacy in dealing with Victor were manifested in the tense and irritable way in which she interacted with him. Celeste observed these interactions, listened to these complaints nonjudgmentally, and responded with sensitivity — she did unto Maureen as she would have Maureen do unto Victor. She respected Maureen’s experience even though her own observations were different, and she joined with Maureen in finding ways to soothe this hypersensitive baby.

Sometimes, parents’ troubled feelings relate to some aspect of their children (e.g., a spirited temperament) that the parents need help to perceive more clearly and to relate to in a more helpful fashion. Parents’ troubled feelings may also stem from their childhood experiences and the disturbing feelings and painful memories that their own children evoke for them. In either case, the problem is real, and the solution lies not in blaming the parent but in trying to understand and help the parent resolve the problem. This is parallel to what parents need to do with their babies — that is, to understand that when their baby or toddler cries it is not that the child is simply being bad but that there is something wrong that needs to be addressed (even if it is a toddler’s tantrum that needs to be understood but perhaps ignored at the moment).

Existing in Another’s Mind

On one occasion, when Celeste asked her to say something about what was helpful about their weekly home visits, Maureen said, "When you come to my house, I know you are really there for me." When Celeste listened to Maureen, she listened fully, encompassing Maureen in her mind, caring about what she was communicating. When Celeste returned week after week, commenting and building on what had gone before, it became apparent to Maureen that Celeste thought about her and cared about her in her absence — that she existed in Celeste’s mind. For some parents, this is a new experience, for as children they too often felt

As Celeste caught and held Maureen in her mind, Maureen was better able to hold Victor in her mind — to be more truly there for him.

Celeste revealed her caring for Maureen and Victor in many ways. She showed the genuine interest that she felt in Maureen’s feelings and thoughts about her past and her present. She listened nonjudgmentally to Maureen’s complaints about Victor and helped her to understand the source of those feelings. She demonstrated trustworthiness by being honest, dependable, and consistent. Maureen could count on her being there as promised, on time (or apologetic if unavoidably late). She was attentive to Maureen so that her responses matched where Maureen was and could help her move forward according to her growing ability. Because she existed in Celeste’s mind, Maureen’s sense of her own capability and value grew and flourished; it was observable in her increasingly sensitive responses to Victor.