The Role of Parents in Encouraging Social Competence, Empathy, and Caring Behavior

From Chapter 10 of Pathways to Competence: Encouraging Healthy Social and Emotional Development in Young Children, by Sarah Landy, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2002 by Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Adults and their behavior and beliefs about socialization have significant effects on various aspects of children’s social competence. Adults vary significantly in a number of aspects of socialization, which include their

• Comfort level with amount of socialization and closeness with others
  
  
• Ease in interacting with others and their temperament style
  
  
• Beliefs in the trustworthiness and safety of other people
  
  
• Interest in and involvement with extended family, the school, church, recreation center, and other sources of support and social contact
  
  
• Beliefs about the poor and disenfranchised of society
  
  
• Ability to be sensitive to and empathetic toward others
  
  
• Ways of dealing with conflict situations
  
  
• Interest in and ability to understand and discuss feelings about self and others

These differences are influenced by temperament and inborn dispositions, cultural beliefs, and the type of parenting they experienced.

As explained in Chapter 1, some children are born more shy and inhibited and these tendencies may continue into adulthood. For example, parents who are very shy may choose not to go out much so their child can be around other children. Instead, they may prefer to spend a lot of time at home alone with their child.

As well, parents who experienced early trauma may be overprotective and become very anxious if their child is away from them at child care. This can create a belief in the child that the world must be a threatening place. Individual difference may also be related to early experiences with caregivers and later experiences with partners, friends, and exposure to trauma and loss. Some parents who have experienced cumulative negative events may have little energy and few models to follow in order to teach their children strategies to encourage social competence. In addition, parents who were not nurtured themselves may find it hard to model for children the caring behavior they need to learn.

Group Activities for Parents To Encourage Their Children’s Social Competence, Empathy, and Caring Behaviors

This section includes exercises that can be used with parents and other caregivers to help them to encourage children’s social competence, empathy, and caring behaviors.

Encouraging Perspective-Taking and Understanding the Child

Ask parents to think about and discuss any information that they found out recently that has allowed them to understand their child’s point of view differently, feel more sympathy toward the child, or adapt their parenting to accommodate their child.

Ways I Show Concern for My Child

Ask parents to prepare a list of ways they think they show empathy and concern for their child. Put the examples on the blackboard and provide it as a list of ways to show concern. Some common examples are provided in Figure 10.1 to get parents started. Ask parents if they think that their children understand how much they care about them and make a list of ways they can let their children know how much they are loved.

A Balance Between Appropriate Guilt and Shame

In teaching children about right and wrong and caring for others, we need to promote a balance between feelings of responsibility if they do not follow rules (or an internal feeling of having done wrong) and shame (a feeling of worthlessness and despair about the act). With guilt, the child is left with feelings that there is something she can do about what she did. She can make the situation better or do it better next time. With feelings of shame, the child is left feeling flawed and diminished and that there is nothing to do about it. Shame can be present in a child as early as 2 or 3 years of age.

This balance is a fine line at times. In order to help parents better understand the difference, have them think about remarks that promote one or the other (see Table 10.9). Obviously, the first type of remark can only lead to low self-esteem and resentment while the second insists that the child take action and makes it clear that there is a way to be responsible. Ask parents to think of examples of remarks their parents used which encouraged responsibility and those that made them feel ashamed. Also, have them think of remarks to promote responsibility with their own children.

Table 10.9. Encouraging responsibility without shame by turning negative messages into positive ones

How You Were Taught Empathy and Caring

Ask parents to think about positive and negative examples from their childhoods of when they were taught empathy and caring. Was there a lot of sharing? Did parents model caring and empathy?

Today’s World

Ask parents to talk about concerns they may have about society today. Do they feel it is a less-caring community? Then ask parents to come up with ideas of what people can do about the problems (i.e., too much violence, lack of concern by government).

What Would Life Be Like?

Ask parents to describe someone they know in a difficult situation and to explain how they feel about it, including what kind of emotions it arouses in them. Make a list on the blackboard. Discuss how group members felt, if it was similar or different.

What a Child Feels Like

Have parents in a group use toys, Plasticine, finger paints, and other activities. Ask them to describe how it felt to do those activities. Note observations they may have had. Suggest that it is fun sometimes to put themselves in their child’s place and to understand their feelings. This could be a great way to introduce the last session of a parenting group.